Archive for ants

Things I’ve learned about myself this week (and it’s only Wednesday)…

Every day I try to learn something new about myself from the things that happen to me and how I react to them. So far this week, I’ve learned I hate ants in my house. First of all, I do hate the idea that there is an ant crawling on my counter tops, that is disgusting in itself. Second, I hate the thought that it may decide to crawl on me instead (and the fear of that makes me feel like I have bugs crawling on me all day). Third, I know where this comes from – it comes from my Mother. “Ants in your house mean your house is dirty or you don’t clean up after yourself enough,” she used to tell me. She would never allow me to have food in my bedroom so that we could avoid ANTS. The first time I had ants in my house in Victoria, TX, I freaked out because they were in my bathroom. Who eats in the bathroom. I didn’t. So where did they come from? Mike informed me that some ants like water and come in to the house through cracks in the walls. So I have decreased my ant/dirty house fears some, but not completely. So when I saw a bunch in the kitchen this week (around the coffee pot? they must be suicidal) I freaked out and and would not calm down until the kitchen had been cleaned, bug stuff was purchased and used, and Ted found where they were coming in from (and killed all the fuckers). Did I tell you that my Mom is coming to San Antonio to visit us on Sunday? Yeah.

I also “learned” I guess you could say that something (still not sure what) is making me into a raging anger pot. I don’t know if it’s stress, if it’s residual hormones from miscarrying, hormones from being pregnant again maybe (for the 4th time this year – remember, still not pregnant), worrying about my parents coming down to visit (“We’re only coming to visit you, not inspect your house” is a bullshit line from my mother and well all know this), or what. Usually the dogs licking me (“giving kisses”) makes me happy; right now it makes me scream at them. My laptop decided to revolt and not allow me on the Internet four tries in a row this afternoon, and it almost went through the window (after I screamed, “Damn you fucking WORK!” so the whole neighborhood could hear it and Mike, who was outside, wondered who I was screaming at). I literally think I have made my husband afraid of me. Sometimes he just gets this look, and says, “What?! What is wrong? What did I do?” and I just grimace and shrug, trying not to cry. “I don’t know,” I mumble and walk away. And I really truly don’t know. And I feel badly; I don’t want him to think I’m always mad at him because I’m not. I’m really not. And so now I’m crying. And I do that a lot too. Grey’s makes me cry, Alzheimer’s documentaries make me cry, stupid stuff. Tears. Of course the psychologists (or wanna-be-s) out there are thinking, “Ah, depression.” Been there, done that, got a case of meds that do nothing (or make life 100% worse) to prove it. I took this one that made me feel like I had schizophrenia for two days. I literally had no idea what was going on and couldn’t think, move right, talk right, anything. I just felt like I was dreaming and was waiting to wake up to the stupid crickets chirping alarm we have. Sleep? Getting enough of that. Plus I take meds to help with that. I eat…ok. I haven’t gained or lost any weight. I think my brain’s still stressed from moving. It’s like I have nothing here. I mean, sure, Mike’s here, and Kyle’s here more, and we have a Ted, but one can only enjoy those things for so long before one wants someone else, someone outside the house, to hang out with (that’s not the dogs).

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